My old Diary....

I grew into my sexuality rather meticulously. Every emotion was noted down equated by the circumstance, the surrounding, the scent, the colour and even a description of the person that I was with... his whole entire life within the confines of our conversation during that moment as we grew closer, etched onto paper and ink. I needed to understand my emotions and somehow rationalise its affects on my psyche... to know the science somehow of my own frailties I guess. Attraction needed to be defined - the curse and willfulness of youth combined with the inquisitiveness of pleasure sought.

Everything went into my little diary cum sketchbook complete with little anecdotes, hellos and goodbyes. I was listening to a podcast yesterday in which gay-minded individuals seem to bind themselves to the fact that there is no love @ first sight just lust. I have to agree that there are many out there afflicted by this dilemma. I call it dilemma because deep down inside all of us is that flicker of hope to somehow love for love sake. It is etched in their voices though they do not speak it; to transcend beyond the bodily function and grow old with someone complete. To find your soulmate - imperfect that they might be but your own.

So if you are looking for red meat, then you shouldn't be at the green grocer's. Because the 'city' is a big place, we often find ourselves lost in all the noise & hype. Follow the yellow brick road and you will find your way home.

I wrote to the only one in the group - the only one whom still believe in holding true to this ideal. As I see it, beaten but not broken. Admirable indeed - pure of heart. And because I may sometimes be too forward with what I think, I hope it is not misunderstood. There is little that we share which is good and I think we should all make an effort in connecting with one another in a positive way. Loving someone and not being in love with them is nothing to be ashamed of once you've reached a maturity in your relationship. Maturity is key and not everyone can bear the burden of unrequited love without flinching.

There is something about people that I know may seem a little spiritual but each and everyone of the people that I have been with have left an indelible mark on how I see the world. I take it to a good place no matter how mentally brutal some of them were in the end. I've kept a little compartment in my heart free so that my love have options. Most of them sadly are still single after a long but sustained sexual escapade after me, I have become an extra shoulder for them to cry on in their new found travels.

Somehow I think they are a little embarrassed to look me in the eye, averting contact that might belie their guilt. There should never ever be guilt over broken paths...it is what it is. We mend it together and we go on our separate journeys. I am no longer bitter and I do not pity them either for they should be encouraged to pick themselves up and move forward. There is no beginning as there is no end.

If there is one wish I could wish on all the people that I have grown to know is never give up on love. It is wondrous beyond words and it heals many things but most of all the indecision which shackles us to misery, will somehow become insignificant to the schema of that new found world. Hope is what makes humanity strong. I hope HE is listening today!