Letter of the Month...

Cyber-Parchment:-

Are you attractive?
Are you attracted to?
Do you find others attractive?
What attracts you?
Do you attract others?
Do others attract you?

Dear Dilemma-Decipherer(Editor of TORN),

I have always been attracted to X but he has a boyfriend and so do I. I think when I started dating my current partner Y, X was there throughout our relationship - he was Y's flatmate but not until I moved in with Y that I was introduced to X. I think X is what I am looking for in a man but at that time, I was distracted by other things that even I didn't know what I was after in the end. It is also difficult for me to make friends now because I have a tendency of liking them and wanting more physically, in which I shouldn't.

Now I have to say that I was an idiot for not dumping Y for X since X was single and available at that time. This is like 10 years ago now but I can't stop thinking about my error of judgement. I think I was brought up to always honour any relationship and I am not good with handling guilt.

It was also inappropriate to put myself in-between X & Y because they were the best of friends. Now we live miles away and I think of X often. Years back, in the heat of the moment, X and I had sex and it was mind-blowing, actually it was refreshing. OK it was fucking hot. My relationship with Y has also suffered a little and now we are in an open relationship. What the hell is an open relationship? Some may say that it is how it is but I think that I should have been honest with myself in the first place.

How do I live with the fact that I have made a bad decision though I love Y dearly but I'd rather be with X?

Signed XYZ.

Dear XYZ,
You have to be realistic and let go of your fascination with X. Certain things have already been forged and you cannot undo the mistakes you've made. It is also important to trace back the love you have for Y and the things that attracted you to Y in the first place. Not all open relationships end up in an endless cycle of wanton pleasures. I have known of many couples moving back into monogamy after a period of self-discovery.

I have to say that you are not the first one to fall in love and out of love, realising that you've made a mistake is very common. But sometimes, your idea of mistakes and guilt is the lack of communication that has developed in your relationship, a projection of the breakdown you're having with Y. I recommend re-learning all the things that once kept you and Y together...things which you have taken for granted and re-kindle lost love. And if sex is an issue, talk about it and make an effort to do more adventurous things that both of you might appreciate. There are myriad choices in terms of sexual aids/role-play that you and Y could both participate in, if this is truly your concern. Do not feel embarassed and take this as a development point in your relationship as with many other couples whom have found this outlet to be a perfect bridge for them.

As you get older, there is also the difficulty in deciphering whether your feelings are geared towards love or lust. I think with X, it is what being human is all about...always wanting what you cannot have. This childish fascination should not be entertained.

This issue though needs to be discussed openly with Y - not that you have had sex with X but that you want to try new things if that is the case. There is not much more that anyone can do for you but if Y is that important, then make the necessary sacrifices to engage Y at a level that he can understand and appreciate. Forget about X because it is just a boyish memory that we all love to indulge. Sex only last a few minutes but a relationship last a lifetime.

Good Luck,
DD